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Current Music:hooray for sci-fi stuff on teevee!
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Subject:Waffles are great! holidays suck!
Time:03:50 am
oooh! Whats do I search for? I want peektures! yay! Hmmm, image option...*click*
an what shall I put here? Waffles! I'll type waffles! *drool* woah, that's neat ooooh, yuuuummy..... Hmmm, that peice of artwork does not look like an edible! *click*
Heeey, how bout that!
http://www.lepg.org/liturgy.htm
You should do a funny search too!
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Subject:You want a subject? go find one....fucker.
Time:07:03 pm
Current Mood:refreshedrefreshed
*grin* verbal abuse is great. you know what I'm referring too if you read the subject.
But really, isn't it just awesome and vindicating to go off on someone when you truly feel they deserve it?
It's funny, i've long been in this loop of not trusting my instincts to the point of thinking I was incapable of having reactions. It was more like putting an iron grip on things to keep from flying off the handle. I really truly separated myself from those scary feelings and interactions. I did so in such a way
that I was totally convinced that I could not, and should not make snap judgments and react. But aren't sentient creatures supposed to do this? Didn't I do this anyways? How could I not trust myself if I was so good at restraint that I would deny myself the comfort and centering of emotional stability that comes from surrenduring to my sense of humanity? These days, things are flowing so much better now, and it feels right. I'll admit, it took many struggles with big lessons and drug abuse to learn. It also required me to take the advice so many have given about my behavior and emotions that I just couldn't accept, or refused to put into action with so many excuses. I've accepted my limitations, realized that my old list was pretty off and waaay too long, and am pressing forward accordingly with many adjustments. One of these adjustments is giving up this dogged fight against psych meds that has been going on for more than 3 years. These last two years were the worst, I had not taken more than a few days worth at a time. even when I would say that i was goin' for it, I really wasn't. I was more interested in drugs and alcohol, really. Actually, the 2 years started with using drugs I had fervently sworn against before hand. This past year has shown me an iron clad promise either more loss than I can recover from as easily as I have if ever, or even imminent death. In fact, I'm lucky to be alive after my last drug experince. I'm better off visiting the amusement park for all that bullshit. I ended up visiting jail instead, which wasn't the worst part. I lost a lot of self respect and caused my family to lose sleep and a piece of themselves while I kept saying "it's okay, I'm learning something." That was my excuse, my quest. To go as far into the depths as I could with what I have, my very being and come back from it having learned the most I can considering that those experiences could never truly be forfilled with anything short of a life to death experience that i would not recall by memory in the next life. i cannot be everything, I cannot do everything in this lifetime. I'm stretching myself too thin. I can no longer be angry to i cannot be something else. This life is the span of a blink of an eye in the length of existance. I think I can wait. No more talk of my death, for it shall come. All too soon if i keep pressing. While my life, and all it holds slips away. You know the saying "Live life like tomorrow will never come." I was, just on the negative end of the spectrum.

ps. To a certain someone, when I told you of hate, when I told you of revenge....
It was in relation to my assumption that I was not capable.
It turned out I was wrong. It was a devastating triumph, if that makes sense now.
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Current Music:typetty typetty, in the lab. quiet quiet, must not gab.
Current Location:FF library
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Time:12:23 pm
Current Mood:listlesslistless
On december 5th, 2005 I wrote this:

I don't want to go to sleep.....
I'm afraid....
I don't want these feeling,s these fresh memories, this consumption...
to drift, to fade away into mere memories....
It's too late, I'm way too tired, and it feels like it's been so
much longer than just over a day.

One magical night...
so many images, feelings, intensities...
all to be filed away in my special section of things to be cherished.

Every step taken was so much more than I had ever dared to hope for,
even at the most recent previous step...

I stood there and hoped with all I had that I'd recall just one point in time.
I chose that point before I even had those hopes.

For all the times that I missed something, that I felt the door was bolted down....
For the specific door that came undone...

Should that door meet it's end....
I shall never look back in regret.
Should I ever walk that path and then be led away from it somehow....
I'll be thankful and fulfilled regardless of good or bad.

Is it still unlocked?
I dare not enter unbidden....
I dare not stay unwelcomed...

I'm sitting here, facing the world out in front of me,
imagining what it is that I cannot yet feel.
Silently reliving the adventure....



On the night of Dec. 3rd, by sheer luck I went to the first houseparty and show of the band "Danny's House". I had totally forgotten the words I had written here in response to that night. After almost a year, after all that's been said and done..... I was right, i have no regrets, even with my first tattoo that pays homage to this time in my life and the friendships with these awesome guys. I even feel for one of them, badly. hmmmm, i guess i can name some regrets, but really, in general, i'm glad to have gone where i went. the greatest of happiness, the greatest of saddness. Sometimes i wish i could go back and start over, for the sake of this lost love.... overall, i think it's best how it all played out.
I'm not very much a part of things with them anymore. I'll be okay though.
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Subject:I'm a neglectful little twat.
Time:08:09 pm
hi there to those those in attendance to my barren LJ showing.
Ahem

So about this odd hiatus.....
No good excuse.
Perhaps I could be forgiven for my fuck-it-all attitude when it comes to communication.
Some people I contact, some I don't.
I'm not sure why it is all so hard for me to call some people or get on here and let anyone know what happened in regard to my last post.

I've got a blatant issue with avoidance that has cost me most of my possesions, my transportaion, any sort of stable place to live, a good job, a lovely obsession, any chance of getting a job requiring a good driving record...

It wasn't just that last big incident where everything just came to a head.
One thing led to another. Each day, even each minute that I put shit off, shit ujust builds up more and more. I'm not sure what's worse, letting thinbgs go until it's another giant pile to take care of, or supporting a lie with one after another to cover the first?
In this case, they have been the same thing in my life.

I've been lying to myself, and in turn lying to everyone else. The same goes for when i disrespect myself, have no love for myself...It's as if i cannot give others what i won't even provide for myself. i seem pretty bankrupt, don't I? It's no surprise though, i've been writing checks my soul and body don't have the funds for. t doesn't everyone do some sort of version of this? It's an epidemic....

So what can i do? I've got this feeling of wanting to help, yet i'm sitting around quite often dreaming of it rather than doing it. If i were meant to dream my life away and becoming inneffectual, i would not be alive. that also means I'm not meant for death, if I have such a desire to be here and help. That leaves me with one choice: use what i have, build upon my ability to have a great attitude, not get so blazingly butthurt over bullshit and blast off.

But damnit, what comes first? My biggest problem is hesitating, thinking and re-thinking about my stragey and how rto attack it in the right order. hence all this day-dreaming and feeling like i do not have the means to do any of it. Of course I do, but now it can't come from luck and people hammering me til i get up, or handing me shit when they feel sorry for me. You know whyat happens when i earn something or put a lot of work into it? i fight for it. Funny thing though, I've still thrown shit out because of getting into "one of those moods".

So here i am, running myself down. I'm actually happy with myself though. I've drawn myself into experiences on the negative side with the minimum of consequences. Cheap lessons with hard hitting impacts. At this point, those little things aren't going to keep me up at night or keep me inside the house. especially since my last trial in this series is jail for 71 days starting monday. My freedom will be taken for a short while. I doubt that after having noice choice but to waste my time, i shall be seriously dissatisfied with whiling away. I am wondering what sort of interesting things i shall be allowed to do in the name of bettering myself. Heck, even constant reading would be nice. I plan on asking for ones that are for learning purposes, as well as a few of fiction.

So. as far as my current situation, i live with my boyfriend Nathan in an RV in his graqndparents back yard. i shall get a job and go to school when i return. meh, gotta go eat with my family...
Enough random thoughts.
-Megan Jean
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Current Music:The tv is paused, dang it.
Current Location:My mommy's soft couch. how comforting....
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Subject:I feel a real post coming on....
Time:07:28 pm
Current Mood:contemplativecontemplative
Dear Santa...

Dear Santa,

This year I've been busy!

Last month I caught a purse-snatcher who stole tafkap's purse (30 points). In June I didn't flush (-1 points). In May on a flight to Bangladesh, I stole the emergency flight information card (-40 points). In April I got in line at the supermarket at the same time as someone else and I didn't yield (-8 points). Last Wednesday I had a shoot-out with rival gang lords on the 5 near LA (-76 points).

Overall, I've been naughty (-95 points). For Christmas I deserve a spanking!

Sincerely,
Arias_Natina

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Time:06:38 am
Wann hear something fucked off?

I just got out of jail last night :p
Yep, you heard right.....
I'm not a criminal, I'm just a dumb ass.

I was huffing dust-off (an electronics/computer compressed air gas duster), whilst driving.
Yes, I said dust-off.
Can you guess what happened and why I went to jail?
I'm sure you all realise that driving while intoxicated is illegal in and of itself.
How did I get found out?
Well, not only did i run someone off the road, then immediadetly sittered acroos the freeway and rolling into a ditch like a circus monkey, I told on myself. Yes fully admitted to it.

Can you guess how many people I shocked with my tale that i was actually doing that stuff?
Can you guess how many inmates laughed at me for telling on myself?
Yeah.
So, I'm at my mom's, hurting like fuck 'cause i have a cracked collar bone, and wondering just how badly hurt those other people are, and including my passenger.

grrr, I'm such an asshat!
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Subject:horray for yummies!
Time:12:08 am
How to make a Megan Jean
Ingredients:

3 parts competetiveness

3 parts silliness

1 part ego
Method:
Layer ingredientes in a shot glass. Top it off with a sprinkle of wisdom and enjoy!
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Current Music:Morrissey- Maladjusted
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Subject:This one is for my parents...
Time:10:18 pm
Current Mood:contemplativecontemplative
For a good long while I had been feeling preety trashed, depressed, in a funk and really having difficulty trudging through.
All those feelings have gone right out the window. I decided that i wanted to feel something different, something better, and just altogether be more whole and in tune with myself as one witha regard for the different parts of me and what makes me - me.
I really had to be willing to make this change, and recently, I came to that point. It was just too much bein' that way, i couldn't cope with life in the leats.
So I've been getting adjusted to some psych meds and doing a lot better, especially since I had a bit of a break-down not too long ago(end of january). So that's pretty good for me. Also, there's been a distance between me and my family due to me not being willing to get with the program and progress as much as my potential was practically screaming for!
So my parent let me know they were willing to put some of my rent money towards seeing a therapist that has helpdd both of them. Damn, my dad goin to see someone?!?! Unheard of! Heh, this wonderful woman in his life has sure influenced him well ;) I love her so much! I owe her my life! My dad too. I love my family so much, and it's time that I showed them...properly and without any more hesiation.
These road blocks are gone now, and I've taken the first few steps towards who i shall become. It's wonderful, and i'm glad I listened and went to see this lady. She teaches (yes teaches!) ways to cope, relax and heal ones self through mediation and Transitional Hypnotherapy.
While I was working with her, I even decided on a few things I wanted to change in myself besides all that she told me, and there was plenty of room for that sort of thing. It actually worked quite well! I was even able to honestly tell her what I was all about, what my problems were and what I wanted to change. Wow, she's so wonderful and good at what she does! I'm thankful that my parents and her are doing this for me! I'm also very thankful to myself for coming up with the courage and the strength to push forward and do it!
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Current Music:Morrissey - The More You Ignore Me (the closer I get)
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Subject:I have to say it was a good day....
Time:10:11 pm
Current Mood:chipperchipper
I got a beautiful gift today, and even though the beginning of this day threatened calamity, it pulled through nicely.

My friend Gary gave me the best, most helpful thing i could ever hope for. I prayed that my car troubles would be over, that somehow I could get another car before I was SOL(yeah, I'm spoiled, but I count my blessings).

A friend has promised me money to help me out with some troubles and to make up for all he and i had been through, including him losing my first car.

It didn't make it to me on time. My car broke down to the point of no return today. Then I saw my friend Gary and he offered to give me his old car.

Let me tell you, I'm so proud of this man! He has come a long ass way in his life! He's got a great job, a beautiful fiance, a kid on the way, a new truck. Wow, I'm just blown away, and so happy for him. Just when I thought he couldn't be any better, he helps me out with an absolute god send! I am just floored! Jaw droppin and everything!

wow. I am hoping so hard for everything wonderful to come to him for his graciousness. *sigh* This really turned out to be a great day.
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Current Music:Reel Big Fish
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Time:03:53 am
Current Mood:cynicalcynical
Kayla: dont tell me you never slept since yesterday...
unluvble13: nope
unluvble13: ahhaha
Kayla: awwww
unluvble13: youknow i do not slep much
Kayla: hehe
Kayla: you still up in sac?
unluvble13: not even chicks can knock me out
unluvble13: yes i am
Kayla: hehehe
Kayla: yeah, you get good luvins and youre even more awake, right?
Kayla: fucker
unluvble13: hahhah yep thts me
Kayla: i feel like crap
unluvble13: awe
Kayla: i got heart burn... excessively cold for now reason in a warm room
Kayla: had to come home
Kayla: there was no place to sleep
unluvble13: awe
unluvble13: sorry
Kayla: and now, i feel funny and i wanna, but dont know if I can. i was all set to sleep in a housefull of people and im lonely as fuck.
unluvble13: lonely
Kayla: yeah
unluvble13: awe
Kayla: my friend is still there sleeping in bed with her bf.
Kayla: the guy i want is a self indulgent asshole who sleeps on a couch and doesn't care to do anything further.
Kayla: but he's otherwise brilliant and I miss him...i miss who he is when I take him away from there
unluvble13: wow
unluvble13: sounds like a dick
Kayla: he has a job, he does what he can to get by.
Kayla: but has not much interest other than getting his rocks off any way he can either sexually or other indulgences.
unluvble13: then why do you put up with it
Kayla: but damnit, he's brilliant and beautiful at the scarecest of moments.
Kayla: i miss it so much!
Kayla: i get the asshole when he's in Vallejo. when i take him home and to karaoke, he turns into this wonderful caring beautiful brilliant man that I'm proud of!
Kayla: damnit, it's pissing me off!
unluvble13: sounds two faced
unluvble13: but your puting up with it not me
Kayla: he's a little too immersed in the environment he's been living in, and he's swimming about with these demons of his that have their locale.
Kayla: meh
unluvble13: i am sorry
Kayla: I take him away, and he's different, definately affected by his surroundings, big time.
unluvble13: well you sound like he is worth it, so you should just talk to him
Kayla: he lights up like christmas.
unluvble13: about it
Kayla: thats the problem, the only way to talk to him is sideways, i cant figure his strange language right. i can hear it, but I cant speak it.
Kayla: he's very consistant in his ways, but theres a gap and I cant be super direct, only if I speak sideways too. i dont do that.
unluvble13: then his lose
unluvble13: megan, wy do you try so hard. you are wonderful and if he does not see that then fuck him and he is not worth your time...honestly
Kayla: *sigh* I guess. it really is .like he connects to the world differently. if only i could find a way to speak his langugage. I know what hes saying when he says it, its so clear to me. and I dream almost every night of ways, but it just never comes full circle.
Kayla: thats my problem, i try
Kayla: i need to let these guys that I want chase me.
unluvble13: yes you do
Kayla: they like that sort of thing. im figuring him out and drawing back when I force it and hit a brick wall cause he feels exposed or ripped into.
Kayla: and damnit, when someone chases me, i dont like it.
unluvble13: thats gay as fuck
unluvble13: if you leave yourself so exposed
Kayla: i do, and he cant stand for me to pull him open.
Kayla: but he never stops to think about how far he is ripping me open and taking when i wont stop iving.
Kayla: *giving
unluvble13: well you know yourself and your limits and what you can put up with
Kayla: I have all these guys laying the world at my feet, but I want this asshole who is froma whole nother world of thought and being that may never come to my side.
Kayla: i like all these things, I like the chase, the stress. i just wish there was some way to draw him out of this hole he's in without killing myself off.
Kayla: i would sacrifice so much...and I already am, and I no longer care of the worth of the sacrifice, I just do.
Kayla: can someone see? or am I just someone to fuck with?
Kayla: can someone feel it and be melted away from their hollow existance that i know they want to come away from if only thjey had faith that there was a way to have all they dream of in this cold world?
Kayla: I know who he is, what he wants and how this world is to him...and me.
Kayla: i keep moving, I resist that urge to want to die because of that FTW feeling.
Kayla: that feeling of wanting to die keeps me moving cause i know if i stop i wont resist anymore.
Kayla: right now, I ought to be hurting with these frosty words...
Kayla: but that is what i feel...cold.
Kayla: I feel absolutely nothing right now, other than this void.
Kayla: and i feel it not only for myself, but for him.
Kayla: I've taken him into me...and it hurts a lot of the time.
Kayla: and screws me up inside like crazy.
unluvble13: but yet you are willing to put up with it
unluvble13: self torture
Kayla: im not putting up with anything
unluvble13: inner tumoil
unluvble13: turmoil
Kayla: i can walk any time I want, he told me where im at with this a long time ago.
Kayla: It's mycross to bear if i must.
Kayla: I can't seem to walk anywhere without my heart being drawn near to something. not just him, but an ideal..... and it keeps me moving.
Kayla: somehow, I feel like I'm one of those desperate people who needs a life, a person to drive me, to center myself with.
Kayla: and i realise i am missing more than just parts of him, or other friends thatI don't get to see much or at all anymore....
Kayla: I'm missing something of myself that i don't think I ever attainied.
Kayla: and i know that void can be filled, and i dont need to be unto myself for everything in life.
Kayla: i also don't need to eternally depend on anyone either...that leads it to where I can put all stock in something that feels like it fits and run with it and not fall to nothing if and when it should end
Kayla: I do have some faith left in me.
unluvble13: if thats how you spell it'
unluvble13: opps
unluvble13: do you think it is all worth your time and your mind
unluvble13: cause it is self destrctive
Kayla: its a practice in something... and I think i'll keep putting myself forth until something pushes me to move in another direction. i don't have any concrete reason to commit or run.
Kayla: yeah, a little bit of purgatory, and it sucks.
Kayla: I think i'm just gonna commit completely and treat it almost like im sanctioning myself to a cause. ive never put myself to such a hard task before.
Kayla: my heart is in it.
Kayla: i keep faltering, thats no way to do this. action is the only way. no big thing on his part... just something for me.
Kayla: if I feel this way, i should stop acting like I need all these outs.
Kayla: I should stop being so scared if its so fucking real.
Kayla: i should stop asking for so much.
Kayla: there is no addition of "and maybe something will come along to me later" I want nothing at this time. i have so many hopes, the biggest hope is that he'll be happy and that he can have as much enjoyment out of pleasing and caring for me as I do for him.
Kayla: and, if i stop running about, i'll do better at it.
Kayla: I've been hell on wheels lately, i dont know what the hell for. I keep telling myself Ill cut the addictions and greed. that i'll cut off my big ass blaring self indulgence. I'm in the same type of boat. im still riding a different ride tho.
unluvble13: yes calle self destruction
Kayla: yep...and it has little to do with a guy.
Kayla: i need to stop.
Kayla: now
Kayla: I'm posting this shit in my LJ.
Kayla: want me to omit you? I dont want to... but I can change the name.
unluvble13: thats good
unluvble13: i does not bother me
Kayla: alright then
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[icon] Hah! I am covered in flames!
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